26 Wise, Wise Wisoms

Well, hello!  I did one of these posts around this time last year, where I gathered all the super-useful knowledge I'd gleaned from the 25 years on this planet and shared them with the whole world (or whatever corner of the internet this blog lives in).  I've just this week completed my 26th year on this planet, bringing me ever close to the big 3-0 (I'm not ready to be a grown-up!! Send help!), and it's time for me to take stock of the information I've hoarded and/or consolidated over the last 12 months.  I'm sure you will find this a very serious and scholarly list, reflecting my advancing years and wisdom.  

Or I'll just blurt out whatever comes to mind.  Whatever.  Happy learning!

1.  It is impossible to trick your metabolism.  After multiple attempts to fool my body into thinking cake = health giving treat, I can finally conclude that exercise and food that doesn't have cartoon characters on the packaging (I'm looking at you, Haribo bear, you adorable bastard) is the only way forward.  This upsets me, but it is unfortunately true.  It also makes me want cake.

2.  Lifting heavy shit is great fun and makes you feel like you have super powers.  Until the muscle soreness kicks in and the only thing you're able to reach in the shower is your chin.

3.  Even moderate drinking has to be paid for in spades.  Hurty, sleepy, binge eat-y spades.

4.  Of all the songs in the top 100 chart at any given time, I am familiar with approx 7, and actually enjoy about 3 of them.  I am no longer home with the downies. 

5.  Inappropriate games, like the brilliant Cards Against Humanity are much more fun when played with grandparents.  They are filth in its purest form.  Nothing is funnier that hearing your Nana announce to the room that she is a "motherfucking sorcerer."  Nothing.

 Cards Against Humanity.  Cards read "What do old people smell like?" & "My vagina"

See? A game suitable for all ages!

6.  I'm actually capable of relaxing if the weather is hot enough, and if I'm within 50 feet of a bar.

7.  A house isn't a home without a feline overlord.  Err, I mean pet.  Why did I say that?

8.  In order to live, I require food, water, physical activity...and Netflix.

9.  I still don't like football, and have this year saved copious amounts of time and energy by not trying to.

10.  Comics can be surprisingly educational and piss-takingly funny.  See: The Oatmeal.

11.  The grass is always greener on the other side. Cliche, but I often need to remind myself how good I've got things.  Particularly when I get itchy feet at work.

12.  Socks don't have to match, as long as they are vaguely the same length.

13.  Dominos Pizza makes my stomach revolt for days, but the call of the dough is too strong to resist.

14.  Eggs are fucking awesome!  I have recently developed very strong feelings towards them.  They are delicious nutrient filled apples from the butts of chickens.  Chicken butts of the world, I thank you!

15.  Mentally, I may well always be 15.  This is okay.

16.  It's surprisingly easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes with enough practice.  Particularly if they are a clown. 

17.  Life before American Horror Story was not life at all.

18.  I really, REALLY want to run a marathon.

19.  Sometimes, when you really, really want to run a marathon, you end up doing too much to soon, resulting in you hurting yourself and having to avoid activity altogether for a fortnight because of your stupidity.  Lesson learned at the physio clinic just this morning.  Am going to go insane, and have no one to blame but myself.  Stupid self.

20.  The desire for cute, fluffy pets only intensifies with age.  God, I wish I was allowed a puppy!! It doesn't even have to be a big one!

21.  Reading and running are the best forms of escapism by far.  But not at the same time, because manholes.

22.  The cliche about how you give fewer fucks about how you're perceived as you get older? True!  I cannot wait til all of my fucks have expired, and I'm a bad ass granny day drinking and cruising in my pimped out mobility scooter, calling out the "yoot" of the day for their follies.

23.  Intensity isn't always a good thing.

24.  Sisters are friends who are stuck with you for life.  They must be mined for entertainment at all times.

25.  I WILL be a zombie extra in a movie one day.  Even if it kills me.  Haw haw.  See what I did there?

26.  I am still not Beyonce.

I'll Be There For You (but not really)

The season of festivities is upon us.  I know this because I've spent the whole day nursing a hurty head that keeps ninja jumping at me out of nowhere just when I think I've finally rid myself of the bugger.  I've also spent more time horizontal than upright to allow ease of access for any cheeky naps looking to ravish me, despite the fact that I was tucked up in bed and snoring (probably.  Drooling too, should imagine) by 11pm.  

What? The party started at 3! Valiant effort, I reckon.  I deserve a medal.  Or at least a calming hug.  I'm so very tired.

So today's been a bit of a non-day, punctuated only by naps and frequent feedings.  I'm really craving a chicken kebab as we speak.  One with peppers on it.  And sweet onion sauce like the stuff they've got at Subway.  

Oooh...Subway!

Anyway, TV got me through a tough time.  I don't do it often, but I love the odd lazy day where I do sod all and let my eyes turn square.  Today, I've watched Modern Family, American Horror Story and Friends.  Comfort telly to go with my comfort food.  Apart from American Horror Story. Didn't know until today that I'm actually a little bit scared of clowns.  Especially murder-y ones with no bottom jaw.  Who'd have known?

Friends, however, will always be my go-to binge watch in times of sloth.  Even though everyone on the planet and their parrot knows the sitcom line by line (which is why they need to make that reunion movie, dammit!! Why haven't they done it yet?!), I still find it just as funny as the first twenty billion times I watched it.  Like many people, I grew up watching the show, fully believing that Friends is what adult life would look like.  

...Up until last week, when my sister and I were watching The One Where Rachel Turns 30, and sibling dearest pointed out

"Isn't it weird that when we used to watch this, we were teenagers, but now this is about people around your age?"

Naturally, I freaked the fuck out, because 

1.  Holy ballsack!  For all intents and purposes, I am an adult.  A grown-up.  Yuck!!
2.  I have been duped.  My life is nothing like Ross, Monica et al's.  What is this evil trickery?

I've since forgiven the Central Perk gang, though.  They still make me happy, even though they are pedaling filthy lies.  Here are just a few of the reasons why I believe that Friends is a touch unrealistic as a depiction of the lives of your "average" 20/30-something year old:
  
1.  It crudely suggests that people can afford to visit coffee shops several times a day on the average salary.  Why do you think Starbucks pictures are always being Instagrammed in real life?  It's because that poor hipster had to sell their nan for a cup of delicious twitchies, and the least they could do to mark the occasion was document it.

2.   In Friends, everyone is thin and beautiful, despite not having a spare second in between "working" and coffee drinking to have a workout regime (except for Phoebe, with her beautiful flail-run that I believe I successfully emulate).

3.  Babies can apparently be had and then only feature in episodes where their presence is key to the story's plot.  When not required, they can be turned off and stored away, much like a Furby.  I'm looking at you, Rachel and Ross.

4.  Spells of unemployment are experienced by (I think) all in the show, but lack of income doesn't appear to be much of an issue.  They might be there for us when the rain starts to fall, but how long would they stick around if the bailiffs came a-knockin'? Hmm? 

5.  This one probably has more to do with me personally than the general public, but, much as I love my friends, if they were always in my house, eating my food and talking at me when all I want to do is have "shh, leave-me-alone" pyjama time, I would probably have violently turned on them and/or changed the locks.  I cherish my privacy, and have discovered as I get older that I'm programmed only to socialise a predetermined amount of time before I have to run back home to my cave and recharge.  I was on a busy, fun work's do last night, but I could probably cheerfully spend the next three days interacting with no one now that I've had my fill of merriment and talking and such.  Not even with Wilson off of Castaway, charming as he is.  It frightens me how easily I could become an actual hermit if society was a bit more accepting of it.  Hell, click and collect food delivery and Amazon makes it so easy these days.

Sigh.

I love you, Amazon.

What was I talking about again?

 

So no one told you life was gonna be this waaay-eee!

(clap clap clap clap!!)

It'll Be Alright On The Night(time run)

Firstly, I'd like to blame my absence entirely on Netflix.  Thanks to American Horror Story, I am now completely desensitized to gore.  I don't think I'd bat an eyelid if one of my limbs just decided to drop off and spurt blood all over the walls, Phoebe off of Friends stylee. Example:

Also, I have finally decided who I want to be when I grow up.  Jessica Lange.  I don't even care if her identity's already been taken - she is a bad ass.  

While we're on the topic of bad-assery, this week, I joined a group of runners from my local running club in a nighttime run through some woods for the first time.  Loved it!  This bunch of speedsters regularly seek out hills on Wednesday nights by strapping on some flourescent gear and trekking up towards the mountains. Nutters. 

On our run, I saw some cool, out-of -the-way houses and ruins, ran alongside what seemed to be Wales' loudest river, and chugged up some inclines like the stumpy-legged steam train that I secretly knew I was.  Choo choo! 

There was something really enjoyable about not being able to see much further than an arm's length in front of me.  Usually, as I start to get tired, I can get in the habit of staring balefully the horizon and inwardly lamenting how far I have left to go. When you can see naff all ahead, this isn't an option.  Not a bad thing!  The time flew by.

If you get the opportunity to sling on your trainers and go on a nighttime adventure (with company! There's no fun in accidentally falling over if you don't have witnesses to laugh at/with you... and maybe help you up), then take it!  It's an experience.  Plus, you'll have an excuse to buy a head torch, which means you can Snapchat lots of pictures of your face lit up at weird angles to freak your sister out....

N'much more to report than that this week.  It's hard to get much shit done when you're on a Netflix spiral.  I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Later, gaters!







....Don't ever let me say that again.