Or I'll just blurt out whatever comes to mind. Whatever. Happy learning!
1. It is impossible to trick your metabolism. After multiple attempts to fool my body into thinking cake = health giving treat, I can finally conclude that exercise and food that doesn't have cartoon characters on the packaging (I'm looking at you, Haribo bear, you adorable bastard) is the only way forward. This upsets me, but it is unfortunately true. It also makes me want cake.
2. Lifting heavy shit is great fun and makes you feel like you have super powers. Until the muscle soreness kicks in and the only thing you're able to reach in the shower is your chin.
3. Even moderate drinking has to be paid for in spades. Hurty, sleepy, binge eat-y spades.
4. Of all the songs in the top 100 chart at any given time, I am familiar with approx 7, and actually enjoy about 3 of them. I am no longer home with the downies.
5. Inappropriate games, like the brilliant Cards Against Humanity are much more fun when played with grandparents. They are filth in its purest form. Nothing is funnier that hearing your Nana announce to the room that she is a "motherfucking sorcerer." Nothing.
Cards Against Humanity. Cards read "What do old people smell like?" & "My vagina"
See? A game suitable for all ages!
6. I'm actually capable of relaxing if the weather is hot enough, and if I'm within 50 feet of a bar.
7. A house isn't a home without a feline overlord. Err, I mean pet. Why did I say that?
8. In order to live, I require food, water, physical activity...and Netflix.
9. I still don't like football, and have this year saved copious amounts of time and energy by not trying to.
10. Comics can be surprisingly educational and piss-takingly funny. See: The Oatmeal.
11. The grass is always greener on the other side. Cliche, but I often need to remind myself how good I've got things. Particularly when I get itchy feet at work.
12. Socks don't have to match, as long as they are vaguely the same length.
13. Dominos Pizza makes my stomach revolt for days, but the call of the dough is too strong to resist.
14. Eggs are fucking awesome! I have recently developed very strong feelings towards them. They are delicious nutrient filled apples from the butts of chickens. Chicken butts of the world, I thank you!
15. Mentally, I may well always be 15. This is okay.
16. It's surprisingly easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes with enough practice. Particularly if they are a clown.
17. Life before American Horror Story was not life at all.
18. I really, REALLY want to run a marathon.
19. Sometimes, when you really, really want to run a marathon, you end up doing too much to soon, resulting in you hurting yourself and having to avoid activity altogether for a fortnight because of your stupidity. Lesson learned at the physio clinic just this morning. Am going to go insane, and have no one to blame but myself. Stupid self.
20. The desire for cute, fluffy pets only intensifies with age. God, I wish I was allowed a puppy!! It doesn't even have to be a big one!
21. Reading and running are the best forms of escapism by far. But not at the same time, because manholes.
22. The cliche about how you give fewer fucks about how you're perceived as you get older? True! I cannot wait til all of my fucks have expired, and I'm a bad ass granny day drinking and cruising in my pimped out mobility scooter, calling out the "yoot" of the day for their follies.
23. Intensity isn't always a good thing.
24. Sisters are friends who are stuck with you for life. They must be mined for entertainment at all times.
25. I WILL be a zombie extra in a movie one day. Even if it kills me. Haw haw. See what I did there?
26. I am still not Beyonce.
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