Britain is a nation that when not discussing the weather or food, it is talking about how much sleep it's had. We refuse to win when it comes to catching some ZZZs. The number of ZZZs accumulated are always either too few, resulting in caffeine induced mood swings, or too many, resulting in the sleeper being "over tired" upon waking - That strange phenomenon where you sleep so much that it knackers you out. Another term for this condition is "being a student". I am allowed to say this because I used to be one. Not bitter or anything about no longer being one.
Boo you students.
God, I miss drinking snakebites at midday...Made everything so much more interesting.
As I mentioned in a post a few days ago, I've clocked up an impressive amount of hours in the sack this past fortnight because I seem to be on a run of late-starting shifts where I get to rise from my crypt after nine o clock before having to head to work.
Score. Or so I thought.
Getting at least eight hours of coma time a night has not been the refreshing, health-giving experience I'd expected. Quite the opposite. Since starting my run of lie-ins, these things have happened:
- I have developed some kind of aggressive cold that is making my throat, ears and nose itch on the inside, turning me into a meat sack of itchy fury that sounds like it chain smokes.
- I've not been allowed to complain that I've slept too much. Turns out people don't like people who don't appreciate the fact that they've been allowed to linger in bed longer than them. What gives?
- My brain has melted into some kind of jellyfish that cannot function in daylight hours. It only wakes up at about 4am, when it showers me with an array of disturbing dreams that make me question my sanity.
- I have had no motivation whatsoever to move my body any more than is absolutely necessary. And by necessary, I mean when I need to bring food to my face.
Don't sleep, kids. It's bad for you. Because at least when you're kicking your mind's ass with Red Bull, it's stressed enough to think thoughts deeper than "That was a weird dream I had last night. Is lunch soon?"
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Lesbians & Rednecks
So, my attempts to win A's attention over the Xbox failed. Can't think where I went wrong. I was trying to be romantic!
Me: Hey. Hey. *poke* Hey!
A: What?
Me: Would you still love me if I had no teeth?
A: No.
Me: Are you thure? Look! Look how thexy thith ith!
I continue to gum "sexily" in front of A until I eventually get bored and wander off for attention elsewhere. Facebook entertains me for five minutes while a friend tells me about a near fatal tooth brushing accident she had today (birds of a feather stick together). I make sure that the bleeding has stopped. She assures me it has. I tell her to keep me updated if she does feel she might die tonight and move on to Blogspot.
And now here I am!! I came here to talk to you because I know you'd love me even if I had no teeth in my mouth and a big, bald head full of spots! Heh.
...I mean, you would, wouldn't you?
Truth be told, I wasn't sure what I'd write about because I'm still going through some kind of Tina Fey obsession that's taking up a worrying amount of my time and mental processes. So, I thought I'd go for that usual small talk that people just love to hear!
1. The weather: It's Wales. It's cold. It's wet. Next!!
2. Dreams: I have an overactive imagination (yes, it's true!!), and this still rings true while I'm sleeping. I don't tend to get the ones about flying or falling. Mine tend to veer more on the psychotic and weirdly detailed side than that. Funnily enough, the most recurring one I get is a frighteningly vivid one about all my teeth falling out. Huh. Am I seeing into the future? A never seems to be in them, so maybe I am!
Anyway. For any hip and funky wannabe psychoanalysts out there care to take a wade through the murky, piranha infested depths of my sleeping brain, here are a few recent gems. One with a highly accurate pictorial version at the bottom of this page. Oh, how I spoil you so!
Dream #1: I am at a trendy, dark bar full of beautiful, sophisticated lesbians in their thirties, as this is my age and sexual orientation now. Bit of a surprise because I thought I was a hetero in my mid twenties, but hey ho, sometimes you skip a decade and wind up in a gay bar for the gorgeous *hair flip*. Who am I with? Oh, I remember now! I'm with my best friend Holly - wait...my wife Holly. Funny how you forget these things! We've come out (see what I did there? SEE IT?!) on one of our nights out, leaving behind our home full of cats (really, brain? Can you get any more stereotype-y??). What a laugh we have at these things! Such fun, isn't it Holly?
...Holly? Oh, Holly's over the other side of the room fawning over some tall, blonde giantess in a black and silver sparkly bra. They must be friends. I'll go over to say hi. Maybe she's my friend too.
Holly: "Hmm? Oh. Sorry. I like this girl now. She has a better bra on than you."
Me, dumstruck: "Oh.."
Holly: "And I want a divorce."
Dream #2: At home with A and a few others because I live in shared accommodation, just like I did in uni. A's got a friend staying over with us. A timid, bird-like girl who won't come out of her room. Aren't we nice, housing the cripplingly shy like this? So nice. I head up to my room to do some blogging after a long day's sitting around. Bird Girl peeps her doe-eyed face around her door frame and "pssts" at me to come in and talk to her. I'm touched that she wants to speak with me. Perhaps I can coax her out of her shell by giving her a make over by taking off her glasses like in those films I used to watch as a teenager. Oh, wait, she doesn't have glasses. We can get her some glasses and then dramatically take them off!
Me: "What's up? You okay?
Bird Girl: "I'm okay. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
Me: "Yeah? Why?"
Bird Girl: "I slept with your boyfriend."
Me, baffled: "Oh right...How come?"
Bird Girl: "He said we needed to sleep together to see if there's any chemistry, so I'm staying over for a bit to see if it works out between us. Is that okay?"
Bird Girl looks so adorable and timid that I can't help but laugh and pat her on the tiny head.
Me: "It's okay, I'm not angry."
I hug Bird Girl and serenely leave the room as forgiving and placid as an angel. Or Jesus. I am girl Jesus. I float down the stairs, saving my strength ready for when I beat the living shit out of A for making Bird Girl feel bad about herself.
Dream #3: I am the host of a gameshow. The contestants are heavily stereotypical rednecks. I ask them multiple choice questions, and if they get enough right, they win their children back.
What do these dreams say about me? Anyone want to hazard a guess? Or am I better off not knowing?
Me: Hey. Hey. *poke* Hey!
A: What?
Me: Would you still love me if I had no teeth?
A: No.
Me: Are you thure? Look! Look how thexy thith ith!
I continue to gum "sexily" in front of A until I eventually get bored and wander off for attention elsewhere. Facebook entertains me for five minutes while a friend tells me about a near fatal tooth brushing accident she had today (birds of a feather stick together). I make sure that the bleeding has stopped. She assures me it has. I tell her to keep me updated if she does feel she might die tonight and move on to Blogspot.
And now here I am!! I came here to talk to you because I know you'd love me even if I had no teeth in my mouth and a big, bald head full of spots! Heh.
...I mean, you would, wouldn't you?
Truth be told, I wasn't sure what I'd write about because I'm still going through some kind of Tina Fey obsession that's taking up a worrying amount of my time and mental processes. So, I thought I'd go for that usual small talk that people just love to hear!
1. The weather: It's Wales. It's cold. It's wet. Next!!
2. Dreams: I have an overactive imagination (yes, it's true!!), and this still rings true while I'm sleeping. I don't tend to get the ones about flying or falling. Mine tend to veer more on the psychotic and weirdly detailed side than that. Funnily enough, the most recurring one I get is a frighteningly vivid one about all my teeth falling out. Huh. Am I seeing into the future? A never seems to be in them, so maybe I am!
Anyway. For any hip and funky wannabe psychoanalysts out there care to take a wade through the murky, piranha infested depths of my sleeping brain, here are a few recent gems. One with a highly accurate pictorial version at the bottom of this page. Oh, how I spoil you so!
Dream #1: I am at a trendy, dark bar full of beautiful, sophisticated lesbians in their thirties, as this is my age and sexual orientation now. Bit of a surprise because I thought I was a hetero in my mid twenties, but hey ho, sometimes you skip a decade and wind up in a gay bar for the gorgeous *hair flip*. Who am I with? Oh, I remember now! I'm with my best friend Holly - wait...my wife Holly. Funny how you forget these things! We've come out (see what I did there? SEE IT?!) on one of our nights out, leaving behind our home full of cats (really, brain? Can you get any more stereotype-y??). What a laugh we have at these things! Such fun, isn't it Holly?
...Holly? Oh, Holly's over the other side of the room fawning over some tall, blonde giantess in a black and silver sparkly bra. They must be friends. I'll go over to say hi. Maybe she's my friend too.
Holly: "Hmm? Oh. Sorry. I like this girl now. She has a better bra on than you."
Me, dumstruck: "Oh.."
Holly: "And I want a divorce."
Dream #2: At home with A and a few others because I live in shared accommodation, just like I did in uni. A's got a friend staying over with us. A timid, bird-like girl who won't come out of her room. Aren't we nice, housing the cripplingly shy like this? So nice. I head up to my room to do some blogging after a long day's sitting around. Bird Girl peeps her doe-eyed face around her door frame and "pssts" at me to come in and talk to her. I'm touched that she wants to speak with me. Perhaps I can coax her out of her shell by giving her a make over by taking off her glasses like in those films I used to watch as a teenager. Oh, wait, she doesn't have glasses. We can get her some glasses and then dramatically take them off!
Me: "What's up? You okay?
Bird Girl: "I'm okay. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
Me: "Yeah? Why?"
Bird Girl: "I slept with your boyfriend."
Me, baffled: "Oh right...How come?"
Bird Girl: "He said we needed to sleep together to see if there's any chemistry, so I'm staying over for a bit to see if it works out between us. Is that okay?"
Bird Girl looks so adorable and timid that I can't help but laugh and pat her on the tiny head.
Me: "It's okay, I'm not angry."
I hug Bird Girl and serenely leave the room as forgiving and placid as an angel. Or Jesus. I am girl Jesus. I float down the stairs, saving my strength ready for when I beat the living shit out of A for making Bird Girl feel bad about herself.
Dream #3: I am the host of a gameshow. The contestants are heavily stereotypical rednecks. I ask them multiple choice questions, and if they get enough right, they win their children back.
What do these dreams say about me? Anyone want to hazard a guess? Or am I better off not knowing?
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