Welcome To The Pity Party

I. Am. Doing. It! Am....writing!! It was hard work getting here this week.  I've just pulled myself through a fortnight, more or less, of feeling so put-upon that it'd have been comical if I wasn't so sad/frustrated/angry/batshit crazy.  Think Eeyore, but angry... Angr-Eeyore. 

"What's up, Champ?" I hear you ask (in my mind, because I want you to call me Champ.  Makes me feel powerful.  And like I've got a big neck).

The answer is nothing. Naff, sod and fuck all.  My life is exactly the same as it was pre-two-week-sulk:  A continues to tolerate my presence, my job is still willing to give me money, and I haven't experienced a case of sudden onset alopecia. The latter has its pros and cons - I still have eyebrows, but, alas, I continue to shave my armpits and legs.

All that's changed has been my attitude.  I don't know why, but I woke up one morning in my double bed and warm house with the firm conclusion that my comfortable existence was out to get me. I spent my days at work wanting to cry because I had to exert effort to actually, y'know earn my living.  I was baffled by the fact that my house stubbornly chose to remain messy despite how obviously upset I was at it.  Inconsiderate house.  Unless I was out to tip cider into my face hole, any human interaction felt forced.  I think that my brain sometimes scans my situation for threats, and when it finds no real danger, it goes into martyr mode where anything and everything is bad and plain old mean.  Better than being bored, eh?

Basically, for no good reason other than "ooh, poor me", anything that involved doing over just being grated on me.  I felt sorry for myself because stuff wasn't going to just get done by itself while I took a week to lie down and eat cheese toasties.  Life was just such an obligation.  

Today, I feel  fine.  Good, even. Want to know how I manged to do a screeching u-turn into the glass-half-full club?  

Yeah, so do I.  Not a clue.  Just like everyone else (I hope, anyway!), how I feel goes through these cyclical phases all the time (no, not monthly...smart-arse).  I can live two identical days and feel like I'm living the life of something turds eat for breakfast on one day and like I've won the Life Lottery the next.  Makes little sense. But, what's a crappy time without some bite-sized epiphanies to stuff into your pockets and take away with you?  Here are some neatly gift-wrapped favours I've put together from Becky's Pity Party Fortnight.  I hope they make up for the total lack of cake and Pin The Tail On The Donkey:

1.  It's rarely your situation that affects you - it's how you choose to react to it.

2.  As soon as you decide something is an obligation, the fun is totally sucked out of it.  Leave it alone for a bit, and stop poking at it.  Come back to it when you remember that it's actually something you enjoy.

3.  Try to avoid seeing things as chores.  Just be grateful that you are able-bodied and well off enough to do them.  Laundry piling up? At least you have enough clothes to create a fabric, albeit slightly stinky Everest.  Don't want to go for that run?  Get off your backside, at least you can run!

4.  If you're in a bad mood and someone's rubbing you up the wrong way, bite your tongue.  You probably wouldn't care even half as much if you were having a better day.  If you're still pissed off when you feel more sane, then you can kill them with that hammer. Sleep on it.

5.  If you can do it yourself, just do it (insert Nike tick here).  It's not worth asking someone else, and then trying and failing to mask your frustration when they don't immediately drop everything  do your bidding.  You probably could have done the thing in half the time it took you to plead and chastise your prospective biddee into doing said thing.  Do it your Gee-Dee self, fool!

That's all for now, folks.  Hope your week has been a happier one than mine.  May your days be filled with snacks and mirth! 

Over Hung

Health Warning: The blog post that you are about to read is devoid of humour, wit or pictures. It is pure self indulgent self analysis. Side affects include nausea, eye rolling, and in extreme cases, temporary night blindness. Read at your own risk.


I got emotional drunk again last night. Seems to be something that's happening more frequently of late. I need to get a grip. I need to stop using the amount of attention I'm getting from my friends as a barometer of how much fun I'll allow myself to think I'm having. And I need to drink less. MUCH less! I can't handle my booze any more and I seem to be missing the bit of the brain that tells you when you've had enough.

Why, when I'm on the dizzy water, do I seek constant approval? What/where does it get me? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with the "well done, you are a worthy human being. Consider your existence validated, and help yourself to a biscuit" that I seem to crave so badly.

It suddenly strikes me as weird - that I sap so much of my own energy chasing something as totally immaterial as approval. Approval won't change me, my circumstances, my finances, health, or long term well being. So why does everything I do revolve around obtaining it?

Well done, Freud, I think we've had a breakthrough! Help yourself to a biscuit.